When you have a large family, you tend to be reminded of who is missing, quite often. People often talk of how hard the firsts are without their parents. The first year anniversary of them being gone is a big one. Christmas and thanksgiving are for sure to sting. Their birthday. Your birthday. All of them are shocking when it is the first time ever your parent wasn’t there. Didn’t call you. Didn’t slave for hours baking you a cake. Or dinner. Or staying up late to wrap presents. The stress of those responsibilities now falling on you— also make these firsts hard.
My mom died in mid March. by the end of march, and the end of April both my father and my sister had birthdays. Then Mother’s Day followed shortly after. Which was the hardest day of any of our lives so far. Shortly after was my grandmas birthday. My moms first birthday gone, and now in less than 20 days i will be turning 23. And my mom won’t be able to call me. The person who threw my first ever birthday (my birth) is gone. I cannot begin to think about the stress that day is going to bring me. the ultimate connection one person can have with another. Being born of a person. Feeding off of them for nine months- to be nurtured as long as I had been. It’s heartbreaking for her to not enjoy this day with me. Because it’s as much mine as it is hers.
After my birthday will be both my brothers birthdays, Halloween, thanksgiving. Christmas, my youngest sisters birthday, and then a new year. All without the one who made us, us. Without the person who prepared every holiday meal and helped with every project. The person who kissed us each night before bed, and each morning at breakfast. The first year isn’t even over yet and still I sit and grieve the days to come.
And I cannot shake the feeling that the seconds and thirds and fourths are just as hard. I don’t think anything will ever be easy again. The wind will always whisper her name. The rain will paint pictures of her smile on the sidewalk and a calendar has no meaning anymore because day without you is never counted. I’m not here to say it will never get easier. But I do believe it will always be hard.
Peace and love be with you all on this Father’s Day. My heart is with all of you whose father is a little “farther” than you would like.
xo
Passed Parents 
It never does get easier, we just learn to live with the pain of their lost. After years we think we have healed until something like a song or place triggers the memory of the one we lost and the pain resurface again like a Phoenix.
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