Yesterday was 3 months with my mom passing, today is her birthday. She would have been 41 today. The following is simply a Facebook post i made in memory of my mom. Writing this inspired me to continue writing about her— for others. I hope i inspire you to write about your loved one.
Happy birthday mama. I miss you more than there are words to write. I miss your toothy grin, even if you hated your teeth. I wish i could have fixed them for you, i always planned on it, you know. I wish we were able to start walking together. We were planning to walk with your granddaughter winter and your nephews and Riley, every week. I really wish that one had worked out. I was supposed to buy you a house one day. I wanted it to be perfect with a big kitchen and lots of extra bedrooms, so your kids could always stay the night. I wanted to give you everything you ever gave me, but ten fold because you deserve it.
Grief is odd. It’s misunderstandings and confusion and headaches and tears. It’s being afraid. And anxious, it’s being held back and pushed forward at the same time. You’d be proud of how everyone is doing. We spend more time together than i ever imagined, your spirit always in the midst of us. Our favorite things now include getting away with things you’d never let us do, cooking every single night (which you hated doing, but usually did anyway) and watching new movies and shows you would have loved.
I wonder what you would have thought about Covid? About #blacklivesmatter. You’ve always been opinionated, where do you think i got it from? I wonder what your last few thoughts were, if you knew we were all around you in the hospital bed. If you felt your mother holding onto your arms and not letting go. I often wonder how you felt in those last moments. When all we selfishly thought about was our lives without you. I wonder if you were in pain, (the nurses said you weren’t, they medicated you) but i wonder if you had the same hole in your heart, that we have now. I wonder if you knew you were going before we did. I try not to remember what you looked like in the hospital bed, late that Friday night. But i cannot remember the last time i saw you breathe out, and smile. I cannot place the last call we had. I wish i could wrap some memories up and put them in my pocket for when i needed your smile. Or your wisdom. Or a good old fashion smack in the head. I want to call you and ask for you to call my bank, because i am too afraid to dispute something on my card. I want to ask how /you/ roasted your chicken, so that it would taste exactly like yours. There’s so many questions i want to ask you, some questions i don’t even know to ask yet. I wanted you to be there for baptisms and weddings and births. You were supposed to be a grumpy old woman, like Sophia from golden girls (your fave) i do my makeup like you used to when you were 22. Dark eyes. Brown shimmery lip. Takes me back to watching you do yours in the bathroom before work.
We have so many things in common. I used to joke about seeing mason every time i looked in the mirror; but now your face haunts mine, like Casper, friendly, warm and inviting. You have made me into everything i am, and will come to be. your smile sits on Riley’s face now. Your eyes on masons. Your attitude in Aaliyah. Your fun loving self resides in dad. And vin somehow is maternal and soft. And i got your strength. Every single ounce. And i know it because if i didn’t, i would have given up three months ago, but instead, i begged God to understand and protect. To forgive and heal. To hold and foster my family until we felt ready to let you go. And i was so blessed to get exactly that.
So many people are to thank for making these past few months bearable. My family and i have definitely felt the love, support, prayers and thoughts that have been sent our way. We have felt sheltered by Gods love and fostered by his people. The outpouring of love has been tremendous and i am so grateful. Happy birthday mommy. For your death yesterday, and your life today. You will always be my hero. My best friend. My first love. My first enemy. My favorite chef. My favorite hug. And I’ll always be the girl who made you a mom.
At 15 i used to scream and at you and wish i was never born. Today i stand grateful that i was. And that you never gave up on me, and you always loved me, and kissed me, and held me, until you couldn’t any longer. Happy 41st birthday mom. I can’t believe you get to be young forever! Your day will be spent with family, making your favorite dinner. And telling stories, watching videos, and making new memories all with you in mind.
Michelle A. Leonardo June 14, 1979 – March 13, 2020 ❤️
Passed Parents 